A Parody of “I’ve Been Everywhere”

I was surfin’ the web, a long and lusty night of Google-ing
When I clicked on a pornsite, with a sigh I just kept oogle-ing
When you’re loggin’ on Sin-A-Rama- Max you’ll watch ’till you’re fried
So just grab yourself some lube and turn the lights way down inside
I wondered if I’d seen a site with so much tits and ass
When I realized I’d nicknamed every boob on every lass

I’d named every pair, man
I’d named every pair, man
Just love to watch ‘em bare, man
I seethe with ‘mountain’ stare, man
Of hooters I’ve seen my share, man
I’ve named every pair

I called ‘em

Yabbo’s
Bazongos
Launch Codes
Appalacians

Zeppelins
Wonder Twins
Win Win Situations

Oh-My-Gods
Not Maude’s
Finger Pods
Tongue Depressors

Tig Bits
Pyramids
Highest Bids
Lung Compressors

Nip Taunts
Breastaurants
What I Wants
Need-A-Tuck EE’s

Them’r Yucky’s
Rubber Duckies
Lady Luckies
Braille For Suck Me’s

I’ve named every pair, man
I’ve named every pair, man
Across the World Wide Lair, man
Except the ones with hair, man
While playin’ some ‘solitaire’, man
I’ve named every pair

I call ‘em

Bon Bons
Bigguns
Beacons
The Pointer Sisters

Juggernauts
Jugglers
Jigglies
Finger Blisters

Mouth Lockers
Door Knockers
Twin Shockers
Woody Makers

Ho Ho’s
Hand Holds
Hand Puppets
Shake and Bakers

Cantelopes
Cannonballs
Crumb Catchers
Backbreakers

Hat Hangers
Man Baiters
Cold Weather Indicators

I’ve named every pair, man
I’ve named every pair, man
Screen’s stained beyond repair, man
From blonde-on-blonde affairs, man
Heaven’s right in this chair, man
I’ve seen every pair

I call ‘em

Mother Lodes
Meat Loaves
Mangos
Minibagos

Lollipops
Lipsmackers
Distractors
Honey Do Me’s

Locklears
Goodyears
Breed Winners
Jugglies

Baby Bait
Betty Boops
Bra Busters
Come Chew Me’s

Butterballs
Bumper Cars
Major Leaguers
Hand Fatigue-ers

Holy Shit!-ers
Make-A-Fisters
Proof God Exists-ers

I’ve seen every pair, man
I’ve seen every pair, man
Hand’s cramped and in despair, man
My scrotum needs repair, man
The gravel in cream ain’t fair, man
I’ve seen every pair

I call ‘em

Head Lights
Search Lights
High Beams
Hypnotizers

Stun Grenades
Bigguns
Trust Funds
Trouser-Risers

Wanna-B’s
Book Ends
Breast Friends
Appetizers

Z-Bras
Shock-N-Awes
Play-N-Pause
Mesmerizers

Itty-Bits
Nibble-Its
Sugar Tits
Hankie Sprayers

Big Taters
Double Daters
Tongue Tasters
See Ya Later’s

I’ve named every pair, man
I’ve named every pair, man
I loved to watch ‘em bare, man
Now blind but I don’t care, man
My palm has sure grown some hair, man
I’ve named every pair

I’VE…..NAMED…..EVERY…..PAIR!

I posted this on Amiright.com several years ago under my pen name ‘Dee Range’. To see the original version, which has several extra verses, and to comment and vote on it, please visit:
http://www.amiright.com/parody/90s/johnnycash4.shtml